Alcoholic Buddha

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Last night I had my first alcoholic beverage since I leaned into meditation. Unsettling. I am unsettled. Goenka and the Vipassana method of meditation reflect on the effects of alcohol. One of the precepts to heed is not to allow any intoxicant to enter and alter your body. This was an easy precept to follow while on retreat as there was no alcohol around, or time to even consider it. In the real world, I considered alcohol from the first day I re-entered the world.

I have a complicated relationship with alcohol and have for many years. I struggle with understanding my connection to alcoholic family members and my own desires to imbibe. Many times I have decided to refrain from drinking alcohol, most often for sports training purposes. Lately, pre-retreat, wine has been my drink of choice and I enjoy glasses of this red grape essence regularly.

The teachings of Vipassana put alcohol into another consideration category, one I have yet to fully explore. Refraining from drinking alcohol after completion of the retreat felt right and I was not particularly drawn to it, but for the idea of socialization it brought. I decided to have a beverage while on vacation which immediately left me feeling fuzzy. I felt confused and altered, but not totally abnormal. At dinner, I decided to try for another. After all, it was vacation and maybe I just needed to settle into the feeling.

The harsh change came with my mood, my mind really. I didn’t feel drunk or even buzzed. But I had a notable shift in perception and commentary. My words felt rough. My thoughts were more aflutter. I felt impatient with myself. Then I got impatient with my own impatience. I felt myself slip into a shadow, like watching myself from behind a curtain.

The frustration and disappointment in my mental state came on quick. I was able to verbalize what had shifted for me, but unable to move back to normalcy. I tossed as I attempted to capture sleep and woke with an intense draw towards sitting in meditation. After a short session, I felt better-grounded. I spent the morning reading and writing, finding my calm again.

I’m not sure if alcohol is out of the cards for me, but I am sure that I am not ready to take it on just yet. There is something in me that has shifted. It will take time to uncover and adjust. I will be patient with my own learning.

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